This morning I was subjected to a biopsy of my prostate gland. It has been acting up for some years, providing higher than appropriate levels of prostate specific antigen (PSA) that seems to have no other function than informing oncologists that it's time to perform more DRE's or a biopsy. Now, while the prospect of a biopsy may be considered yucky, it pales in comparison to the actual experience! Dr. Prowse (shudda been Sterns, as I mentioned before) was remarkably general when he described the procedure. The 'wet room' nurse is much more forthcoming...
"Dr. Prowse will be inserting a probe. It will be stiff like this pen, only larger (As in the Titanic was larger than my canoe.) and it will provide ultrasound imaging. You need to relax; tensing up will only make it more difficult. (Okay, I'll cooperate. Do I get time off for good behaviour?) Then, he'll be inserting a smaller probe to take the six biopsy samples..."
"Six! Dr. Prowse only said four!"
"There will be six. He will fire the trigger and..."
"Fire a trigger! Am I getting shot?"
"Well, actually it will carve a small slice off the prostate. And it will sting a bit. Then you may feel nauseous or like you need to urinate or defecate. Don't worry, we're used to it. That's why this is called the 'wet room'. Then he will finish you off by giving you a needle (Did she just say he would finish me off?) with additional antibiotics—just a little boost to those pills you've been taking all week. And you will experience some blood in the urine for the next few days—nothing to be alarmed about—but if you fill the bowl with blood, better come back in. (She says it so matter-of-factly even I have difficulty feeling alarmed.) You will also have blood in the stool for a couple of days and in the ejaculate for up to six weeks. (Wonderful, now isn't that a turn-on!) And if you experience any feeling of lousiness or fever in the next few days, better come back in. (Okay, I'm officially feeling lousy—should I stay?) Oh, and by the way, here's an absorbent pad for you to wear in your underwear." (Now who would ever accept that kind of inconvenient embarrassment?!)
And that's about how it happened... results in three to four weeks.
"Dr. Prowse will be inserting a probe. It will be stiff like this pen, only larger (As in the Titanic was larger than my canoe.) and it will provide ultrasound imaging. You need to relax; tensing up will only make it more difficult. (Okay, I'll cooperate. Do I get time off for good behaviour?) Then, he'll be inserting a smaller probe to take the six biopsy samples..."
"Six! Dr. Prowse only said four!"
"There will be six. He will fire the trigger and..."
"Fire a trigger! Am I getting shot?"
"Well, actually it will carve a small slice off the prostate. And it will sting a bit. Then you may feel nauseous or like you need to urinate or defecate. Don't worry, we're used to it. That's why this is called the 'wet room'. Then he will finish you off by giving you a needle (Did she just say he would finish me off?) with additional antibiotics—just a little boost to those pills you've been taking all week. And you will experience some blood in the urine for the next few days—nothing to be alarmed about—but if you fill the bowl with blood, better come back in. (She says it so matter-of-factly even I have difficulty feeling alarmed.) You will also have blood in the stool for a couple of days and in the ejaculate for up to six weeks. (Wonderful, now isn't that a turn-on!) And if you experience any feeling of lousiness or fever in the next few days, better come back in. (Okay, I'm officially feeling lousy—should I stay?) Oh, and by the way, here's an absorbent pad for you to wear in your underwear." (Now who would ever accept that kind of inconvenient embarrassment?!)
And that's about how it happened... results in three to four weeks.
1 comment:
I'm feeling pain from reading this post. Now I have another fear to add to my list. I have mostly got over my fear of flying by flying a fair bit, but I don't think that is the answer to this new fear you have given me. I hope those difficulties don't last.
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